When Joe Cobain materialised he was welcomed into the world with a clout around the chops. It was a fine welcome as it reminded him of a lesson he had learnt many years before as a child, which went along the lines that life is perilously difficult and at times downright cruel. All he could be sure of was that everything was black and that he was blindfolded.

He wasn’t sure where it was that he had materialised from because it had all happened so fast, a time traveller’s lightening flash and in that flash he had been deprived of any recollection. What was clear to him was that he had a few split seconds to evaluate the situation and devise some answers both for himself and his assailants.

It became quickly apparent that his situation was serious. At first he thought that he had materialised out of a coma into the split second of the accident which had knocked him for six in the first place, certainly the thud in the mouth felt as if it could be have been administered by a moving car. However, he dismissed this hypothesis upon receiving a second clout which in past generations would have been affectionally described as a ‘box round the ear’. This clout, which was no less painful, lacked the strength of the first.

“What the do you know,” was the first question that was thrown at him? Joe was quite well read, and the only thing of which he was certain was that it was all uncertain. Education had taught him that everything was ideologically or scientifically up for grabs, with the exception of God who, though no-one had actually spoken to him, except in dreams, or at best a very long time ago - was on the periphery of it all fuelling our very active imaginations with just about everything that can be thought of, because he invented us as part of some test; this includes sex, swearing, stealing (everything from chocolate to music), ripping people off, making fools of others, adultery, masturbation, fornication, looking at pornography (the worse crimes are to do with sex - and women because they tempt men) , imagining the very worst of our neighbours, hating people because their god is different, hating them because they have more cash and their god is different, hating them because their skin is of a different colour, they have more cash and they have a different god (this is because there is a feud in heaven – Jesus, God, Allah, and all the rest, have it in for each other and thus we you) - oh Christ, thought Jo Cobain, who didn’t actually believe in God, but after a number of whacks found that he was searching for any reason or meaning, oh Christ (he said again) I am guilty of everything!

His confused silence was followed by a sentence that meant something without meaning anything, giving all away and nothing, it was covertly overt, sexually explicit, violent, repetitive, making indisputable that his tormentors possessed a godlike omniscience, that their realm was the knowledge of everything.

“The second question which was flung at him was “when”? Having just materialised and not fully aware of who, what, where or why, ‘when’ was tough one to fathom. He decided to play a little game of ‘if you answer my questions then I shall try my utmost to make sense of yours’. ‘If say, you tell me that I am in a prison, I might ask where (?) and so on.’ If it wasn’t for the punches and the frequent kicks you could be forgiven for believing that Joe Cobain had materialised into a popular Christmas game.

After an indeterminate period of beatings Joe Cobain’s inquisitors had become terribly agitated. They started calling on God (who sometimes they called ‘freedom’ and at others the ‘one true one’ or ‘the one and only’ or simply, ‘him that hath no name’), evoking old prayers, curses and rituals (both political and spiritual), in the hope that Joe might tell them something. With every mention of God’s name poor Joe Cobain was clobbered. It was as if they were hammering their magical disdain into him.

The first tragedy for Joe Cobain was that he was an atheist. It is fruitless hammering a nail of faith into someone who doesn’t believe, as all it does is cause pain and confusion. It also means that they will say anything for you, to stop you causing the pain. ‘No, I have no idea who God is’ could quite quickly become ‘I’ve got his address here somewhere would you like me to give him a call’ and before you know it, ‘yes I did plant that fucking bomb!’

The second tragedy for Joe Cobain was that he believed that under the right circumstances torture was necessary. What are the lives of millions compared to the one? He saw no contradiction between this and the ‘every life is holy’ argument. Strangely he understood that each view underlined the other, somehow making sense of it all. He had written television dramas highlighting these dilemmas and made heroes of those who were prepared to electrocute, humiliate and cause, quite simply, the most unbelievable pain to others in the name of various ideologies (including trade), all of which he felt only a moderate sympathy for. Life is not without its contradictions.

Joe Cobain became aware of a terrible smell. It was the smell of faeces and like a good lunch it was accompanied with laughter. His face was very sore. He had a side splitting headache. He still had no idea of where or who or what or why, though deep down he suspected that they were right to beat him. If their positions had been reversed he would, no doubt, have done the same. It was just unfortunate that he knew nothing.

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